Every once in awhile in high school I got restless with my hair, but never quite restless enough to change anything about it. I liked it long, I liked my bangs. Sara often asked me whether or not my own mother had ever seen my forehead. Then I met Amrita and the first major hairstyle change (angled bangs) took place. Well, as you well now, the time came and struck and I chopped it all off in January. Now it's about to cross my shoulders, and I can't wait for the day when it's long and feminine once again. Despite that, I am ALREADY itching for a way to change it AGAIN.

So what would d'you think about a return to Xena bangs?

For the fifth or sixth time in my journal, I will again say: It is MY RIGHT to devote an entry solely to my hair~!!

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So, rejections have started pouring in. By 'pouring' I mean three schools that were honest enough to send me the rejection pre-secondary, saving me probably $200 collectively. The unfortunate part in all of this is that one of those schools was one that I had very high hopes for, considering they had low requirements and they were situated right here in NY. That's the one that sent me a downright mean letter.

I knew this was going to happen- I mean, I fully didn't expect to get in anywhere this year. I didn't think, though, that a school would send anything beyond the generic bullshit letter and actually be cruel to an applicant. For the past few days I just haven't had the heart to fill out secondaries at all.

Yesterday I mentioned to my mom that I have to figure out something to do for the year after senior year if I don't get in this year. Her answer was "Why don't you go to medical school?"

She expects me to go to the Caribbean or Europe right now! She's always said that she would support me through my SECOND application cycle. That means the one AFTER this one. Right now I'm obviously applying for class of 2011; next time I would be applying for 2012 which would mean I would need something to do for 2011. I told her I was planning on getting a Masters that year and she shut me out. For some reason, she thought that second application meant that I would apply again for the SAME app. year and magically get into the Caribbean. Not to mention I've been telling her ALL YEAR that I don't want to go to the Caribbean, or to Europe.

She then goes into how I'll be old by the time the year is over, I'll have wasted my life, and everything will be pointless. She made a good point in saying "How do you know you'll even get in after a Masters?" But that was her only good point. As far as I can see, anyway.

Her new thing is she wants me to go to medical school so she knows that I'll be settled after four years and therefore, she'll be free- I assume from the stress of having a child. I don't understand why she feels that Europe and the Caribbean is the magical solution to everything. So many people come back from the Caribbean and are 30 before they begin a residency. And if I haven't done well enough to get accepted into medical schools now, how can she be so naive as to think that I'll amazingly get the best scores and get into a residency in the Caribbean?

My mom tells me that I'll have to support myself if, after this year, I want to do anything but medicine OR do anything instead of go to the Caribbean. She also mentions that I'll have been a disappointment to her, she knows I'll never be happy in life, and if I was going to be such a horror, she wishes I had never been born. Usually she says these things in anger; this time she didn't. It makes it hard to be angry because she was just honest. Instead I feel depressed. I was so stupid to apply this cycle. But my mom wouldn't hear of anything else. I was so freaking stupid. What did I think was going to happen? Exactly this, but I didn't account on my moms reaction, since she's ALWAYS said "Twice." Now that I've started I feel I should- I have to- finish at least SOME of the secondaries coming in.

I've been depressed the past few days anyway because of that horrible letter. Now I just feel worse. I'm going through suicide ideation (I think it's funny how I can identify that. Of course, anyone with a high school psych class could, but I also mentally went through the Response lethality assessment to see how severe it is. Of course it's not serious at all, but it's still there) and more than anything I want to crawl into bed and not come out.

It's not so much the threats my mom are giving me that are so sad. She's one of the biggest components of my life and to seriously lose her- not in anger, but in rational discussion- is like having the floor fall out from under me. Her and Zach are my biggest supports. And it's not that Zach isn't sympathetic because he is- how could he not be? But he's so tired too. Even though we're living under the same roof he didn't get home till 8 last night and he had to go straight to work on his own things. I feel like I never see him. We got ten minutes together, tops, and I was talking about this and he was falling asleep. And it's not that he isn't supportive, it's just that he usually doesn't say anything at all or avoids me. Or does this:
OnceUponASynapse: i think im actually leaning towards clinical depression
OnceUponASynapse: i think if i dont already have it im going to get there very soon.
ledflyd: :-(
ledflyd: my parents found my homebrew


I feel like I'm being crushed; I feel so heavy and confused. I don't know what to do. I should probably take the MCAT again in November, even though the thought of it makes me physically sick. I can't help but feel alone, because I'm stuck in this house all day and the last thing I want to do is go out.

This on top of the past few weeks with Amma, and on top of all the exhaustion I had already. I want to die.

As it is I'll probably go crawl back into bed, pull the sheet over my head, and give in to being depressed.

I guess when you go through things like this, you go through them alone in the end anyway.

So when we got into Paris, Abbey was grumpy. I will here add, for the sake of having a true account, that Abbey was grumpy for a large part of the whole trip. She wouldn't really eat much and sometimes she would ignore us for a reason we couldn't really understand. She said she got anxious with all the change and the very first day in Amsterdam she asked me if I was excited to be going home soon- not exactly the way I wanted to think of my two weeks in Europe! She kept talking about her flight and how anxious she was about it, which was another thing I couldn't really understand. Sometimes it got really unpleasant.

I found out about myself on this trip that I am the Bilbo Baggins until someone else is. I didn't WANNA spend a night with the Masai, but I never considered not doing it. The difference is that everyone else was excited about it, and I just went along. However, once someone acts like they don't appreciate what they're getting, and once they look even the slightest bit unhappy in whatever amazing place we are in, I immediately snap into the girl who goes skydiving; the girl who takes risks; the girl who never wants to stop and take a breather and the girl who doesn't CARE what happens because she's in a beautiful different country and what could possibly go wrong?

Anyway, our train got in early, so we locked up our luggage and walked around. We ate our first Parisian croissants, waddled around for awhile and stumbled incidentally upon Little India. It was a huge lane of stores selling sari after sari, jalebi after samosa and so many Indian things. I knew we had started Paris off right.

Then the Alspektors picked us up. I still was kind of nervous about having to stay in someone else's house, especially since Abbey kept saying things like "I just want to stay in with the Alspektors," and "I'm just going to be hanging out with the Alspektors." I wanted to see Dr. P. We got to their house, though, which was an apartment just outside Paris and we could see the Eiffel tower from the window. (Boy did I squeal.) Francois, the mother, welcomed us with open arms. She gave us the boys rooms (later on we found out that one brother was sleeping on a mattress in the laundry room) and our own shower and helped us plan for the day. She said specifically that if we wanted to do our own thing, that was fine, and if we wanted the boys to come with us, that was fine too, and we got the house keys and a train schedule and she warned us to be home by the last train. It was the most laid-back, familial, loving environment you could imagine. And I'm not even related to them!

They asked us if we had any special dietary restrictions and I said "We're vegetarians." If you haven't seen a French person react to that statement you can't even imagine how hilarious it was.
"Vegetarians? ACH! OH NO!!"

Apparently there are no veggies in France.

So one of the brothers took the train with us to the Arc du Triomphe the first day. Then we met my pops, who I knocked over with a huge hug, and we all walked down the most romantic boulevard in the world; the Champs-Elysees. Dr. P fell in love with Paris and couldn't stop talking about how amazing it was. Then he took us out to eat and I fell in love with Paris even more. We stopped by the Bastille, of which there is nothing left, and walked around a little. Then we went home and fell fast asleep with the promise that the next day, the Alspektors would show us their country house and buy us fresh baked bread.

They did. They showed us all the churches in that neighborhood, one of which is crooked.Then they brought us to their gorgeous and gigantic country house, which it would seem that Francois inherited, and took us on a walk around the estate. Then we ate smelly French cheese that I'm having a hard time figuring out how to live without, and had some mint tea. And Pierre-yves set off some fireworks while his mom was going "No, no, no!!" and his dad was going "Do it! Do it!" in honor of the fourth of July for us.

Later on, we met Dr. P at the Eiffel Tower. I was frantically in search of the 'black fence' that everyone else takes their Eiffel pictures in front of. We couldn't find it and in the end I wasn't even sure it existed, but we found a MUCH better place behind the fountain and on the second set of stairs. I like it better than the stupid black fence anyway.

The Alspektors, being incredibly kind, had Dr. P over for dinner and he had a blast. I think they really liked him. AND WE WENT TO VERSAILLES!! It was AWESOME, and huge, and Zach says he's going to buy it for me and now I'm holding him to it. So freaking beautiful. I really thought it was hilarious how Louis, the supposed Sun King, had a million portraits lying around. Not only that, but he had portraits of women carrying around a framed portrait of him. I loved it.

Later on, we ate lunch at home and then Tim took us to Sacre-Couer and Montmarte where we saw the location of Amelie's filming. Then, me Zach and Abbey offered to make dinner and we were buying ingredients at the grocery store:
Abbey: Is this the largest can of tomato sauce you guys have? In America, you can buy one like THIS BIG-
Tim: [imagine French accent]: You guys are soooo fat.

Other adventures include: climbing FREAKING NOTRE DAME, visiting the House of Victor Hugo and having it be closed :(, stumbling into the Jardin des Tuileries and having a whipped cream fight with Zach, and eating delicious. delicious. food and crepes. When we finally made it to the House of Victor Hugo, I got more teary eyed at the portraits depicting scenes from books I had read than I did at any other type of art.

Other than that, you should've seen Zach at the Louvre and Orsay. I think he could have spent a full week there.

I adored each of the cousins in Paris because they spent so much time with us and they were so much fun to hang out with. Tim especially was always snapping pictures and I love posing and I love snapping so- couldn't go wrong.

On our last night, their parents took us out to eat (and I might add, they paid. for. everything while we were there. Not only did they totally welcome us into their home, they treated us like kings and queens. So unnecessary but so kind!) with Francois' parents. She took us out for Indian food because they had vegetarian stuff there and wrote on the table for her somewhat senile father: 'Abbey-girl. Zac- boy. Rouxie- Girl.' And drew a heart between me and Zach. I LOVE THE WAY SHE SPELLED MY NAME SO FRENCH.

During dinner, her father referred to Zach as my brother and Francois said "No, no, no, no!!"

Then we asked Tim if he could take us out for our last night. He took us out with his friend Aziz and we went to this place shaped like a cave with sand in it. I was able to collect Paris sand, despite Tim's valiant protests of "EWWW, people STEP on it and it's DIRTY" etc etc.

Then we went home and slept briefly becuase we wanted to wake up and say goodbye to Francois since she had to go to work. Tim took us to a mall because I said my one pet peeve with Paris was that I hadn't bought any clothes.

Then he dropped us off at the train station and said "See you in NY!" because he as well as his brother and sister were coming to NY for two weeks.

We went to a Hindu temple after locking up our stuff and then to La Villete, where we went to a science museum. We got back to the train station later and didn't want to go to the platform yet because we didn't want to be hanging around with nothing to do.

When we opened the locker our stuff was in, twenty minutes before the train that we had to be on, our luggage was gone. After a lot of yelling and a lot of irritating the people there, we found that it had been locked into a back room for a reason unknown to us. It was interesting, because Zach freaked out and Ab and I were able to handle it. I wouldn't have left my stuff, but Abbey would have and with only 20 minutes to our train it would have been rough. Luckily, we got on the train, but I liked the crisis because it was an adventure.

When we got to Amsterdam, we walked around the Red Light District for like four hours before taking the train back to the airport and trying to sleep. It was a terribly long day before the flight since we didn't book a hostel- seemed silly for one night- and then my flight was delayed, but it was fine because I got some extra time in the Dublin airport where I transferred. On the way to Dublin, though, I fell asleep even before takeoff. I'm usually awake for it because I love it but this time I was just gone.
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When we drove back into Maji ya Chai, straight off of safari, unshowered and tired and dirty, it felt like coming home. Everyone we had grown to know and love was waiting for our cars to pull in, and I thought "I could stay here another week, because this feels so good." Especially after a shower (which was, although it was a tiny, freezing cold stream of water in a mildewy bathroom, the best shower of my life) all of us rejoined back in the Red Onion, playing with kids, and I thought "Why would I ever leave Tanzania?"

By that night, though, the novelty wore off, and I couldn't stop thinking "Okay, plane time now. Okay, ZACH TIME NOW!" The next day went so slow, and finally, we got on the airplane. I still cried as we left. Who wouldn't? They baked us a cake at the end, sang and danced for us, and the kids all said "Asante" to us. But I was finally on my way to Zach. Yay!

The plane ride went quickly. I think I managed to sleep for some of it, watch a movie for some, and listen to a book for some of it (yay for audiobooks on planes!) But when I got off the plane, and I heard that Zachs' plane had landed, I was so excited. I went with my friends to the basement, put all our stuff in lockers, waited around for them anxiously, and then gave up and dashed towards Zachs gate.

IT WAS SO EXCITING TO SEE HIM AGAIN. It felt so romantic to be reuniting in an airport. We had 2 weeks left in Europe and I was so thrilled to see him and his sister. Anyway, then we headed off to search for our hostel, which was three minutes away from Central Station (so we thought.) We asked a few people directions; somehow, they were the only people we met our entire time in Amsterdam who didn't speak English. We walked around for- must have been- an hour with all our stuff in the heat. Zach and Abbey were getting irritated. We finally found it and it was just three minutes from the station, we had just walked in completely the wrong direction. But we got into our hostel, and there were stairs leading up. Narrow, long, winding stairs (which we got quite used to in Amdam). But once we got up, we didn't know how to get to reception because the hostel was two weirdly shaped buildings that somehow connected. When we finally found reception, we weren't allowed to check in, so we had to leave our luggage in a luggage room which we had to take a lift to. A lift that was barely capable of holding each of us and was stuffed to the brim with each of us as well as our luggage. It got stuck.

Zach and Abbey were freaking out, but honestly, (I felt bad) I couldn't stop laughing. It just didn't bother me anymore. There were these three stoned guys outside who were laughing too, and they said they were going to get help from reception, but who knows if they would have. Somehow we got out, and locked up our luggage in the luggage room- which was nothing more than a storage closet.

Then we left and I had a falafel, my first food that wasn't potatoes and rice and the occasional chappati in over a month. I was crying with joy. I was, however, uncertain about the hostel. Especially considering that I hadn't had a good shower in some time and I hadn't seen a bathroom in the rooms and I didn't want to share with a bunch of druggies. So I suggested checking into another hotel. We found one, and I went upstairs and managed to bargain with the lady "PLEASE, I've spent a week peeing on flies without a shower and I can't afford 60 euro a night!!" from 60 euro a night per person to 35. The room was so tiny, but it was cozy. And although it was the smallest of beds, Zach and I still managed to fit onto one (sometimes). And that shower was the second best shower I've ever had, despite the fact that the drain was on the floor without a separator so the whole bathroom flooded. We went out later and went to the Anne Frank House, a flower museum, and then we finally made our way to a coffee shop. I got a brownie, and Zach got Space Cake. The thing with brownies is that you don't feel it hit you at the moment, so you just keep eating- or at least I do. We left and walked around a little more, and Zach got a beer at a bar and mentioned how it was just starting to hit him. As I complained that it hadn't hit me yet, it did, and I suddenly felt completely out of control.

"We have to go, babe."
"Now?" all Zach could do was gaze mournfully at his unfinished beer.
"Soon!" I managed to spit that out before I couldn't say words anymore.

All I remember is a jointed, discombobulated walk back to the hotel where I had to force myself to walk and hating the sound of my own voice. I felt so out of control that when we got back to the room, despite that I had planned to meet my friends at the Red Light District at 8, I let myself pass out because I was in no shape to do much of anything. That is the last brownie I will ever eat. Well, special brownie, obviously.

The next day we did more Amsterdam-y things, also finally saw the Red Light District. It was exactly what people say it is, only not all the prostitutes are that pretty. Other than that, we did the Van Gogh museum, ate cheese, went on a boat tour, did touristy stuff. Then it was time for Belgium.

Brussels was Zachs idea, obviously, because of beer. But with the promise of chocolate and waffles, I didn't mind- and here I must mention that especially after a month in Africa, I always had to have food in my hand. I usually think of going to Europe as a time to eat and shop and chill, but this time more so than ever. I always had to have a waffle, or a piece of cheese, or a croissant, and I really didn't care how annoying I got.

Luckily our hotel in Belgium was incredible. I loved it. It was so spacious and clean and our bed was so big and the bathroom had a drain. It was pure luxury. When we walked around even on the first day, we passed this fountain of a peeing boy that tons of people were taking pictures in front of. We couldn't figure out his significance for the life of us, and we even saw souvenier shops stocked with this child. It kind of grossed me out, until Melissa (Zach and Abbey's mommy) texted and said "Make sure you take a picture of the Manekin Pis."

It's the symbol that represents the country. No, seriously.

Belgium is such a blur of walking a lot, eating so much chocolate, delicious Belgian waffles, and watching Zach giddily drink beer. Also a lot of cake. The emo livejournal entry came from me and Zachs first (and last) but huge fight of the trip. We were staying with his cousins in Paris, and Dr. Palmer was going to be in Paris too because he wanted to see me and make sure I was still stable after Africa. I wanted to spend time with him but he wasn't sure what the living arrangements would be with his cousins and I wanted to get my own hotel and have the option of doing my own thing, if that was the case. To which he flipped out that this was supposed to be our trip, and I flipped out that he should be more understanding that I want to see my father and not be trapped and it was only because of me that he was on this trip anyway and I had spent the past week waddling to various beer stores, synagogues and what have you. Anyway, it was all very awkward with Abbey in the room, and I eventually just left to get a breather. We didn't resolve anything, but it turned out okay in the end.

I loved Belgium. I thought it was a relaxed and laid back city, and I loved how everyone sat on the floor by le grand place after hours. I love waffles and I'm biased against all others now.

As we were gearing up to get on the train to Paris, Abbey noticed that the Eurail tickets we had required that we make reservations for each of the countries we were going to. We hadn't done that, but I wasn't worried at all. I was sure it happened all the time. Regardless, we showed up the next morning at 5 A.M to make reservations to Marseille and Nice and for Paris later that same day. (Marseille was my idea because I really wanted to see the Chateau D'If. I can be disgustingly honest with you, that was my main motivation in going to France. To see the prison where a fictional character was housed.) Unfortunately, the Eurail people were jerks and their website has completely incomplete information. There were no reservations available for Marseille or Nice, so that part of our trip was out :( I was kind of heartbroken but I didn't let it show because Zach was freaking out. EVERYTHING was booked. At one point I said "Is there ANY other country we can travel to??" There wasn't; we had to pay full fare to get to Paris and back to Amsterdam. Zach's mom, though, being awesome, was able to get the Eurail money back.

Anyway, Paris is a long story in and of itself and I won't add more to an entry already long enough. Except with PICTURES FROM TANZANIAAAA!!
( Safari ina anza )

Today is me and Zach's two year anniversary. Last year we went to Taco Bell because I had an orgo test. This year, we are going to Trader Joes because we went out to eat on Saturday (after I take a practice MCAT I need a lot of fat in my system) and I was not impressed. I realized that it isn't because the quality of food in restaurants has decreased, it's because my standards have risen since I started cooking. That's all I'm going to say about that.

I'm pretty interested in seeing Dr. Kamler again, so a few weeks ago I e-mailed him to find out if he had returned from Kilimanjaro. Indeed he had, and he wanted to invite me, a measly peon, to the Explorers Club annual meeting. I was thrilled, and SO excited. I wasn't sure what it would entail, but I visualized me walking around with Dr. Kamler, shaking hands with famous people, having them all compliment me on my dress and smile, telling all my stories and having them be fascinated.... I couldn't wait.

The morning I woke up though (and this is going to sound really pathetic) I got cold feet about going. I'm really not used to doing things without Zach by my side anymore. When he dropped me off at the station, I pouted "Don't leave. Come with me. Please?"
"When did you turn into such a wuss?!"
The train doors closed. And I was all by myself heading into the city to go to a fancy place.
To get my mind off it I took a bunch pictures of myself on the train. No, I'm serious.
( Read more... )

Oh hey guys. Remember when this was a big hair change? Well, you're about to see something ridiculous. But FIRST:
Orgo lab is slowly sucking all the life out of me. I just pulled a muscle in my leg and had a nervous breakdown because this entire week as well as last week I have been standing for six hours a day and it will be terrible to stand for the same amount of time tomorrow with a pulled muscle. And I scraped my hand across a nail and today I got acetate in my wound. Delicious. The best part? Most of the time we're waiting for shit to react. And, CHLOE, we DON'T get to synthesize purple eyeshadow. That was just your fancy shmancy advanced lab.

However, I have little to nothing to complain about due to the fact that the meeting with my parents and Dr. Arens was last night, I moved into my single and I love it and it's neat, and orgo lab will be over in five days (thirty more hours) and I'll be glad I did it. As for the meeting, my mom took the train here, and Zach and I went to pick her up at the station.
"Mom, are you here?"
"I think so... SUNY Stony Brook... shuttle bus to SUNY Stony Brook.. excuse me sir? Excuse me sir, can you please tell me, is this the shuttle bus to SUNY Stony Brook?"
[Two seconds later, my mother calls back]
"RUCHI!! RUCHI, the train doors closed before I could get off!! What do I do?!?!"
Me and Zach are laughing hysterically. We drove to pick her up at Port Jeff, but seriously... only my mommy. (Or me.) (For the record, that has never happened to me.)

Dr. Arens offered my parents delicious tea and spoke to my mom for an hour and a half. He called in two previous students who had gone as well as the coordinator and gave my mom a day-by-day layout of where we will be and how we will get there. He charmed the brains off of my mom, and my mom is now EXCITED about me going. My favorite moment?
"Yeah, Ruchi is a big fan of yours, Professor Arens,"
"Well, I'm a big fan of hers."

Do you realize what this means? I'm going to be one of the last people to see the snows of Kilimanjaro. I am going to be on a safari for a week. I am going to see firsthand why I really want to be a doctor. I'm going to Tanzania, and on the way back, we transfer in Amsterdam.

Transfer? Um, I think I might miss my connecting. OK? Ok. I'm trying to convince Zach to meet me there and then we can fly to Paris and spend ONE NIGHT IN PARIS. SCHWING. Then my parents and Zach's parents all went out to dinner and we ate and laughed over TONS of Indian food for about two hours. I love how our families get along so well, and I'm really sad that I didn't have my camera. One awkward moment was avoided, thankfully, when Zach gave Abbey a goodbye hug.
My mom: Wow, he's hugging her like he'll never see her again!
Zach's mom: Well, she's going back to school tomorrow, so he might not.
[I frantically caught her eye before she said 'depending on whether or not he comes home tonight']
And it ended there.

In other news, Zach is playing GoldenFest and playing mind games. I told him I would go, and he said "No you don't have to, it's not your type of music, etc etc etc." But what he wanted was for me to valiantly protest that I DO want to go, and blah blah blah. Instead:
[As we're falling asleep]
Me: Fine. I won't go.
Z: Good.
Me: I understand that you want to have fun with your friends from Balkan camp without me.. specifically all those girls that you get drunk with every summer. [Chloe: this was a specific reference to "I could get TONS of girls at Balkan Camp!!"]
Z: [sigh] Shit... Babe, why don't you trust me?
Me: I thought I did, but I mean, why else would you not want me at the biggest show you play all year? Other than all those girls will be there and you want to have a guys night of fun.
Z: Becuase.. because... [Z realizes his excuses are bullshit anyway and falters] Fine.. I do want you to come. I've wanted you to come all along.
R: [Rolls over with triumphant smile] Great, because what I just did was I guilt tripped you to trick you into admitting your excuses were a stupid piece of crap anyway AS WELL AS admitting that you really want me there. I wasn't jealous at all. But I KNEW IT WOULD GET ME WHAT I WANTED.
Z: [stunned silence]
R: Don't hate the playa. Hate the game.
There was no cuddling for an hour, but there was wrestling.

Anyway, we can get to the part that you've all been waiting for anyway. But first, I took about 30 pictures of myself with long hair on the last day because I just didn't know where I'd see it again. Are you excited? You shouldn't be.



( Pixie )

Okay, so before I jump into my 500mph shpiel on how excited I am right now, I'm going to take a minute to just state that everytime I log into lj from a SINC site the picture of me 'dancing' comes up and I'm really embarassed and I click out of it as fast as I can. Does that mean I will change it? NEVAR!!

Okay. SO. Today is a really busy day for me. Awhile ago, I e-mailed Professor Arens to( You remember him, right?)ask him if I could get a table for ISV at the study abroad fair. He e-mails back "Ruchi? I remember you. I had you in one of my classes freshman year. You were my favorite student."
So there I am, sitting at my computer, with one hell of a dropped jaw. I respond with "You were my most influential professor. I can't believe you remember me." So he answers with "Come see me. Emily will arrange."
?? I eventually figured out that Emily is his secretary, that I am to e-mail her and set up a meeting, so I did, only unfortunately during all his meeting times I had class. So I decide- screw class!!

I left psych 20 minutes early (it's not that I can't miss fifteen minutes, it's just that I don't like missing class. Gets me into a bad pattern.) and I go up to his office. My outfit was pre-selected because he always noticed little things, like my necklaces and earrings. (Not creepy, he's an anthropologist!!) So I wore my galoshes, a necklace with leaves, peacock earrings and God knows what else. I show up to his office and he's in a meeting. He calls out "Ruchi!!" so I start walking towards his office. He says "Wait one minute." so I'm sitting outside his office, slightly nervous.

Of course I get in there and it's the most non-awkward situation EVER. He simply goes "I love those shoes! Wow, those are unique." I laugh, and I'm like "Yeah, I can't get rid of them even though they have this giant hole in the back. You know how I found that out? I ran into the ocean in the winter."

He introduces me to all his big fancy people in the meeting and then tells them all to "Shoo!! Ruchi's here."
"Dr. Arens, remember you have that meeting at 12:30.."
"Yes, yes, after Ruchi! All this, after Ruchi! Bye now!"

I'm flabbergasted. So he asks me what I've been doing, and I chatter about Italy, and Australia- wait, Australia? Who did I go to Australia with? ISV? WHAT? HOW much money? I could spend a semester there for all that money!!
"Allison, Allison come here!"
::A woman pokes her head in:: "Dr. Arens, I'm very late I have to go talk to my class-"
"Yeah but they think better of you if you're late, don't they Ruchi?"
Me: "..Yeah.. yeah they think you're a rock star."
So Dr. Arens tells her about ISV and how much money and blah blah blah, and how I could have gone with the school and gotten credit. He goes "We've got to get these people off campus, Allison. This is terrible."
I'm like 'Whoops' because I'm a student rep but Arens knows best, right? Then he tells me I talk like I'm from Brooklyn, and he is too but he speaks clearly. Of course he notices the leaf necklace and asks if I like leaves. Yes I like leaves, especially here. They're gorgeous, I've never seen them change color this way. Spring better than fall? Yeah, sure. So random, and delightful. "I can't concentrate on you because I'm too busy looking at your shoes!!"

Then he starts talking about Tanzania. He runs the program and it's the only one in the country, and he's been trying to get me to go on it pretty much since I had him. Of course, my mother? Tanzania? Nuh-uh. I asked. Dr. Palmer also- 'Nuh-uh.'

He asked about my statistics for med school, I told him, and he cringed. He said that he's very good friends with people from the admissions office, and they get thousands of applications. No, they don't read them. They just read the ones that make the first GPA/MCAT cut, and then charge the rest of them. Personal statements? Thrown away. No one reads that many. Just the ones in that lucky first pile.

He told me with my stats right now, I really don't stand a chance. "I really want to see you in medical school, Ruchi.. your smile.. we need people like you. But you won't make it. Everyone volunteers. Everyone does research. Everyone takes these classes." He wasn't trying to be mean, he was being honest... and I appreciate it.

THEN he says that every pre-med who has gone to Tanzania with him has gotten into medical school, and he knows where all of them are now. When you've gone on a special trip like this and done an independent study, does anyone care about organic chem? NO. "What'd you do in Tanzania?" they say.

My mom wants me to go abroad for medical school if I don't get in here. Five years in Ireland vs. a month in Tanzania? Um, tough choice? No. Dr. Arens raised his five year old son there for two years. He's bringing his granddaughter there this summer. We stay in a hotel for two of the four weeks. Isn't it better to go with someone whose made this trip twenty freaking times? He says he'll take my mom out to lunch and convince her.

I just called Dr. P and told him all this in 3 minutes and 35 seconds at a very fast speed. He said he'd think about it. If I can get him, I MIGHT be able to sway my mommy.

I want this. I want to go to med school. I want the experience of travelling with DOCTAH ARENS. I WANT this.

I'm going to apply. And if they don't let me go, then I guess I won't get an acceptance letter. But I'm applying. And dammit, I want to go.

Oh, but he did say "I'm definitely going to write you a lovely reccomendation letter." (I didn't even ask!) "But it'll be better if you got one from the professor you went to Tanzania with."

Yeah. It would be. How'd I get this lucky? I haven't seen him or kept in touch with him for two years, and he's trying to get ME to go on this highly competitive trip when he has hundreds of people that apply. I'm meeting my idol, Dr. Kenneth Kamler on the 27th, and I've been to three countries by the age of twenty.

Little Brooklyn girl, with a little Brooklyn mindset and a terrified mother, little Brooklyn girl who lost it all when she was seven- little Brooklyn girl Ruchi did more than she EVER thought she'd do, let alone by twenty.

Even though I've come a lonnng way from that hunger strike at age 12, I'm still the same girl. Just as determined to get what I want. Only now instead of a walk to the corner by myself, it's a trip to Tanzania.

I'm sitting on Zach's bed while he does his work at his desk, and I'm looking up yummy recipes on the food network. Lo and behold, I'm delighted that they have videos of Paula Deen, so I'm watching them. And I turn the first one on, and I hear "Okay ya'll, today we're gonna take some mac and cheese, and wrap it in some bacon, and put it on in the deep fryer."
Zach: Is that PAULA DEEN... deepfrying mac and cheese... wrapped in bacon?????????
:::I crack up:::
I may miss cable, but I love these moments.

Being a Brooklyn girl, so many of my memories from my hometown come from Astroland. I used to know when summer came by looking out Mark Twain's second floor window and seeing my favorite theme park come alive again every May. I had my first roller coaster ride on the ever-classic Cyclone at age nine. My cousin won me my very first teddy bear from one of the booths that boasted a 'Big-Ass Prize'. Not to mention, my very first concert was Sirenfest. My first parade? The Mermaid Parade.

So many of my fondest memories come from cutting class with my friends and spending a day at Astroland. I've cheered for the Cyclones from atop the Wonder Wheel once a summer. And yet this August, I walked around the booths licking sugar from my funnel-caked fingers for what I sadly knew would be the last time. Perhaps these seem like little things, but all these little things play a huge role in making Brooklyn what it is- the Brooklyn that I grew up with, and the Brooklyn that I love.

For the past few years, I've heard a lot of people say that Brooklyn just isn't what it used to be. But still, no matter how Brooklyn once was, at least we still have the culture of Coney Island- or at least we did until Sunday, September 7th.

It seems to me nothing short of a tragedy to lose such a huge part of Brooklyn's culture. It's been four years since I first heard whispers about Coney Island closing. Since then, Brooklynites and New Yorkers alike have rallied together to try to stop this from happening. No matter what replaces Astroland, how can it compete with Astroland itself? No one has forgotten that this is where the first hot dog was born; that Astroland set the standard for theme parks across the country- that just fifty years ago, people flocked from all over the country just to come to Coney Island. And thanks to all the supporters, another couple of years were squeezed out of Astroland's life.

Unfortunately, it seems that luck is finally at an end. As of Sunday, Astroland closes its gates for good. I'm sure the students at Mark Twain next year will still look out hopefully, if only out of habit. But for the first time, Astroland won't be there. The Cyclone and the Wonder Wheel will be, though- as very appropriate symbols of a time now past. It's the end of an era, and I'm sure many Brooklynites right now are planning an emergency trip to Spumoni Gardens. Because honestly, after we lose Astroland, we have to appreciate what we have left.

BRIEFLY because this is the most expensive and concurrently slow internet yet:

I live on top of the world overlooking the entire island and the beach, with all my friends in one house with four rooms.
I snorkelled again today and though it was no Great Barrier, I saw tons of bright blue swordfish (my primary thought was "OMG I RIDE YOU IN DONKEY KONG" another pufferfish, tons of gorgeous translucent pink/blue and pink/green fish, as well as a rainbow fish which I totally stalked. It was pink, green, purple, yellow, lime and blue and I chased it forever. DAMN NOT BRINGING MY CAMERA.
Yesterday was Pirate Night and of course my group got so into it. I dressed in my tropical sarong and bikini and sat on Andrews shoulder all night, with Ritz crackers while going "BAWK!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANDREW" first time Fiji has ever had a pirate with a parrot.
I spent the majority of every morning asleep in a hammock overlooking the beach.
Not a day has gone by where I haven't swam in the ocean.
I got into the pool with all my friends at eleven pm and they took my top off. I was standing there,clutching my boobs, yelling "WHAT AM I GOING TO TELL ZACH?!?!" everyone had taken off their clothes. Weird, huh? How well you get to know each other. I chased them around for my top for awhile, and then Andrew jumped in naked. The next day, we were in the pool fully clothed and about ten million loud obnoxious people decided to skinny dip too while drunk. Only, they didn't know we did it first and they were so annoying about it.
It is so hot and incredible and I can't even tell you how happy I am. ALso, THERE IS A HINDU TEMPLE but it's on the mainland. The LARGEST temple in the South Pacific. I'm so going on Thursday before my flight!!
I MISS YOU ALL AND I'LL BE HOME SO SOON.

Greetings from Fiji. Last night, every single one of us stayed out till an unknown hour of the morning dancing and dancing and dancing and I drank half a bottle of champagne. In other bits and pieces, my suitcase weighs over sixty pounds and a wheel popped off of it at the airport today. It's going to be a real bitch to get through two more airports. More significantly, over ten pounds at least is candy. SO MANY TIM TAMS. Also, tons of crispy M&Ms and lots of special candy that you can't find in the US to give as gifts. Ridiculous.

The goodbye this morning ripped out my heart just like I knew it would. We sobbed like babies in the airport and held on to each other till we stepped on different planes. We didn't say anything because really.. there was nothing else to say. On the plane ride I watched A HINDI MOVIE. Hindi is one of the primary languages spoken in Fiji, which I'm excited about so I wanted to brush up. It was a pretty bad movie but my Hindi is pretty decent, which is good.

I miss Aussie already. One of the first thing we learned was the Aussie call at orientation- ("AUSSIE AUSSIE AUSSIE!! OI OI OI!!") We never did it in the land of OZ though, so today Andrew started it on the bus and we all screamed it back. It is so sad to leave, and it was so sad to say goodbye.

But now I'm in Fiji. It is BLISSFULLY HOT. There is a pool. And tomorrow we leave for the islands.. for five days of beach, sun, surf, and bliss. I cannot wait. I can't. Absolutely can't wait.

I'm so homesick though. At this point, I just want to go home and be with my mom, and jump into Zach's arms. It sounds retarded, but I just want to be back with Zach and I want to see Chris again. I'm going to have the best time of my life the last few days here, but I'm pretty okay with going home at the end of five days. I'd say.. everything on this trip really worked out for the best in every possible way.-

Last night in Sydney. Last night in Australia. This is it, and it's over, I've done it all and this month is done. I can't get over it. I keep tasting the words and they keep not making any sense whatsoever.

Today I found myself back in the Blue Mountains, the original place that I worked for two weeks during my volunteer project. We were going rapelling today, and since they're mountains, it was the perfect place. We found out yesterday that we would be having dinner in Blackheath, which was our little town.. and having dinner at Gardners, only the pub we went to every day after dinner. Only the pub where we had our big goodbye feast with darling Rusty and Steve. I got a little misty eyed when I found out, because it was going to be the perfect way to end this wonderful dream.

We finally went to a wildlife park, and I finally pet a kangaroo. They are my favorite animals I have ever cuddled with. They hold your hand and lick your fingers and give you hugs, and I hate that I didn't take the initiative and go to a wildlife park myself to spend more time with them. Koalas are seriously the most adorable thing I have ever seen, moving so slowly but crawling along with a force. The first few koalas they took out for photos crawled right back down the branch- they just didn't feel like being out there.

Today I found myself putting seven layers and underarmour back on after two weeks of living without it. Today I found myself dangling from a rope attached to a harness from a sixty foot cliff. Rapelling? Not my thing. I made it down the first three cliffs. The third one I didn't bother trying to climb, I just bounced down. The last one was 180 feet, and that wasn't happening, personally, for me. Plus my wrist hurt. So I just chilled with my friends.

Rusty met us for dinner. All day we were excitedly saying Rusty's name. Rusty, the volunteer supervisor who made it worth going into work every day. Rusty, who met us and took us to the pub and bought us wine. Rusty who teased us and taught us slang and was so grossly perverse and caught crayfish with his bare hands.

Rusty, who after we entered Blackheath today after thinking we had left it behind forever, was quietly sitting in the back room of Gardners. "RUSTY!!!!" and the fanny pack sprinted towards him like little kids. There was a lot of catching up to do, he had to call a lot of us petal, and then we sat down to eat. Lots of laughing, lots of talking, lots of telling us to 'go forth and multiply'. He had a funnel web spider, aka the deadliest spider in the world, in a container in his pocket. Of course he did. Our tour leader jumped and freaked out. We were used to it.

When we finally said goodbye, we really were all a little teary. We were more than happy to be back in Blackheath, more than happy to be with Rusty, but not for long enough. It was such a sad goodbye, because I know for a fact that I'll never see him again, and I adored him. I was the only one he gave a kiss on the head. It only made me more sad.

Everyone slept on the bus ride back. I couldn't. I kept turning over the way this trip has changed my life in my mind, listening to Smashing Pumpkins because they make me feel like home. The fanny pack is and has been so comfortable with each other for so long that on long bus rides we spoon, we cuddle, and we drape our feet across the aisle onto each others seats and bodies. Our section of the bus is just a crisscross of legs and feet, and if anyone wants to go through the aisle, they're going to have to crawl army style because there's no way we're detangling till we have to. We are so close that we all share ice cream from the same cone, because if one of us gets sick the rest of us will too anyway. And tomorrow, two of us are going back. Jamie and Kristi will be back in Wisconsin and San Diego. And then there were seven.

It isn't like Italy, where I knew I'd see Ari and Tarran in school. THe fanny pack will be sprinkled across the US and realistically who knows when we'll all be together again? This is it. And it's over.

No more hearing "No worries, mate!" No more laid back Australia, no more surfing, no more Great Barrier Reef, no more Aussie accents, no more fanny pack. Only seven of us are leaving to Fiji tomorrow.

In Italy, I stayed in absolute comfort all the time and I dealt with petty problems from petty girls. I walked around a LOT, I saw the sights, I shopped, I took photos, I ate.

HERE, I was pushed so far out of my comfort zone. I couldn't shower every day. I was freezing cold. I slept on the bus. We were consistently eight in a room. I white water rafted. I FUCKING SWAM WITH FUCKING SHARKS. I dealt with things about my dad that I didn't know I had to deal with. I loved every second of it and I wouldn't change one thing. Not a one. This trip changed me. It helped me understand myself, it made me decide for sure to travel much more and DO more with my life. Not stay in a narrow little comfort zone.

Tonight I'm going to drink. I'm going to drink, I'm going to dance, I'm going to give one last hurrah with all my wonderful friends and fall in love with them one by one over and over again. And the goodbye in the morning will rip my heart out.

...But by six pm tomorrow.. I'm going to be in Fiji. :-)

The adventure's not over yet.
PS. Kseena, I'm leaving behind four books that don't fit in my suitcase. I tried registering them on bookcrossing but unfortunately this computer is too slow and I'll run out of time. I was really looking forward to it, too!! :(

SURFING OH MY GOD. I think I'm in love. I was kind of dreading the lesson because I thought I'd suck and it wouldn't be fun and the water would be cold, but first of all the instructors were so fun and nice, and second we started off just by lying on our boards and riding waves, which I did really well. I coasted past Del on the first one, who was teeter-tottering, and she yelled "Show-off!!" as I passed by. When we learned to stand up on our boards, it was just a yoga sequence. I was like "Okay, downward dog, warrior, plank...". Unfortunately, it took me awhile to realize that you don't have to hold yoga poses for a few seconds while breathing on surfboards, so I wiped out unnecessarily for awhile. By the end of fifteen minutes, though, I was standing up and riding waves, only not with bent knees and elbows. More like standing up straight with an expression of goofy and retarded victory with my arms in the air Leonardo DiCaprio style. The camera caught me right before I wiped out. I can't wait to post them... I had the same goofy retarded smile on my face the ENTIRE time. I never thought I'd be able to do that. Even wiping out was fun. At one point, the instructor took me INTO the waves and he told me to duck under one and it crashed over my head, and at one point he told me to hide my face and it hurt as it crashed ON my head but it was so awesome. During one wipeout, somehow I punched myself in the face REALLY hard. "Pow, right in the kisser!!" A little ridiculous. It still hurts.

I signed us up for surfing lessons, so it was just the Fanny Pack which was really nice. I don't think I've ever even explained the fanny pack... our first night that we went out to a club, Andrew (the only guy in a house of 8 girls) called out "Okay, let me just grab my fanny and I'm good to go!" Our tour leader briefly looked horrified and then said "Uh, you shouldn't say that in Australia...". Apparently, fanny is a slang word for vagina. Who knew? But it then made so much sense that we now always refer to each other as the fanny pack, and everyone else is just a poser. We got so close over the first two weeks, but during the adventure tour some of us drifted and made new friends- not because we were any less close with each other, but greatly because I guess we were just into different things. The surfing lesson was just all of US in the water and it was so special, to be out there in the water making a fool of myself with all my friends who I've loved for a month now.

Then we had awhile before the bus departed, so we went out to eat at a restaraunt because we hadn't all sat down together in about a week or so. BABE, I FINALLY GOT AN AVOCADO SALAD. It was avacado and crumbled mushroom with balsamic something or other and it kind of changed my life, just like the veggie kebab, and now I LOVE mushrooms and I love avocadoes even more, and basically you really need to make me that salad when I get home.

Anyway,we just sat around just chilling till it was time for the bus ride. It was our last time with our bus driver, Tony, who was going to be reunited with his wife for the first time in six months. I hung out in front and spoke to him for awhile. I hate that you meet such awesome people and then you have to let them go. Really.. it's sad :-( The overnight bus ride, though, as usual sucked. I sat next to Kristi and we watched Dumb and Dumber and laughed and talked into the night, and at some points I dozed off but at most points I didn't. I was very much looking forward to showering once we got back to the hostel (the hostel where we previously spent a night in Sydney :]) BUT WE COULDN'T CHECK IN TILL TWELVE. Seriously?!?! After an overnight bus ride?

Well we made the best of it. Half the Fanny pack and I finally walked to the Harbor Bridge and the Opera House. We took tons of pictures and took a nap in the sun on the lookout point, then climbed 200 MORE stairs to get to a higher lookout point where we could see the bridge. We looped into the opera house, around, through the botanic gardens, and then we ate and went back to the hotel. When we reached the opera house steps, Andrew suggested Rocky'ing them EVEN THOUGH THERE WERE ONLY LIKE TWENTY STEPS. There is a video of us running up the stairs with the Rocky theme music playing not in the movie, but in each of our heads, and jumping when we get to the top.

We finally showered when we got back and I collapsed. Every muscle in my body hurts in ways I never thought possible. Doing yoga on a foam board in water really wasn't working for my body today, all the laughing caught up with my abs, and sleeping on the bus did little to make me feel better and our walk really took the cake. Showers in Wake up! Sydney Central are dorm style, so there's four showers for each floor. I waited till Leanne and Briana went in, and then Kristi and I joined them.

What I've noticed about a great deal of places in Australia is that water can either be freezing cold or scalding hot. Here's how our shower went:
Me: [As I walk into the bathroom]: HI LOVERS
Leanne+Brianna: Hiiii!
[Kristi and I get in the shower]
[Leanne and Brianna scream in unison[
L: HOLY SHIT MY SHOWER'S FREEZING
B: My shower's SCALDING IT JUST BURNED ME
R: OH MY GOD MY SHOWER IS SO COLD
Kristi: My showers perfect!
....
L: OW!!!!
R: EEEEEEEEEEEEEKKK!!! HOT!! HOT!!! WHO ADJUSTED THEIR TAP??
K: OKAY, MY SHOWER IS NOW ICE!!
[Delceta walks into the bathroom]
D: Everyone in the hall is wondering what the hell is going on in here.
[Exit Delceta]
B: OH MY GOD MY SHOWER IS SO HOT
L: MY SHOWER JUST TURNED COLD
R: My shower's perfect.
L: Okay, NOBODY adjust their water now.
B: I'm getting out.
The rest of us: NO PLEASE NO
B: I HAVE TO!!
[Everyone else's perfect shower is destroyed once more, but somehow we adjust back]
[a few minutes later..]
R: Kristi I hate to do this, but I'm getting out. I'm warning you!!
K: I'M READY!!! I'm getting out too!!
And that is how, all four of us in towels and underarmour made the walk of shame back to our room.

We then spent the next hour primping for the Sydney Harbor cruise, where we cruised around Sydney Harbor at sunset during a buffet. I took George, so I could take pictures of him by the bridge and the opera house. The fanny pack understood. Everyone else kind of looked at me. "You have to know her," Leanne said.

I really want to post pictures, but the computers in WakeUp are REALLY difficult and neither me nor Brianna can figure out any way to which is sad. Anyway, that's all for now, and I was also dubbed Jasmine during a drinking game that I just happened to walk in on. Can't say that I mind. :)

YES I FIGURE OUT A WAY TO POST PICTURES( Read more... )

My time in Byron Bay is drawing to an end. The first night that we were here, we went shopping for the first time since we've been in Australia, save for a few souvenier shopping ventures at an Asian market in Sydney. I bought a tank top, two bags and a $5 skirt. There is SO much Hindu stuff here it's so weird to not buy it all, but it's kind of expensive which is annoying. Then, as we walked around town, we saw all these 'Sale' signs and we decided that we really had to shop the hell out of this town. We then found a temp. tattoo place, and I was idly glancing at it and then I found the tattoo I've ALWAYS wanted- a fierce tiger leaping. I've ALWAYS wanted to get that on my chest. It was $25 but I decided to screw it and I got it, and I asked her to add as many colors as possible. She was a little hesitant because she thought it would look weird, but I was insistent and it came out omg so amazing and I'm so excited about it. Unfortunately, no one believed for a split second that it was real even though I tried to say that it was. When my mom called, I said "Hey mom I got a tattoo," and she said "Oh.. Ruchi do you have enough money?" and I said ".......Really? I JUST TOLD YOU I GOT A TATTOO." and she said "Well, I think you mean a temporary one, and that's fine, and if you don't there's nothing I can do about it now anyway if you already have it." Sigh.

The next day we had a free day. We woke up and the fanny pack voluntarily went on ANOTHER hike through a rainforest to get to the lighthouse at sunrise. It was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen and it completely changed my life. Four of us also wanted to go to Nimbin. Nimbin is a town completely and solely devoted to marijuana. Seriously. Everything in that tiny town is devoted to the selling, encouraging, and worshipping of pot. The cops really don't care except for a few raids now and then to keep up appearances, and on Mardi Gras they make a giant bong and march it to the police station on a bus. I HAD to go. And so we wnet, and ate at the Rainbow Cafe, and I played in a sandbox, and I bought SO MUCH marijuana paraphernelia. I have a cookbook and a bunch of souvenier packs and stuff. I'm not sure if I should give one to Anj and Nick or to Dennis. I really can't stand Den but he would enjoy it so much. I have a feeling I should probably give it to Anj and Nick. There was so much Hindu stuff!! I got offered pot and special cookies every five seconds, and everyone was so friendly. Every animal was stoned, and I took a few pictures of an LOLcat that will make Amrita pee her pants. It was such a chill, hippie place and the museum had a $2 entry fee but it said "Go in anyway!!" I paid and the guy in front looked shocked. The fumes REALLY got to my head after two and a half hours though. There was a store called Bring-A-Bong with the Billabong logo.

When we got back we got our tarot cards read, and I got a picture of my aura taken. I've always been a little scared to have that done, but I did it anyway, and I'm so glad I did it.. I had all my friends right in the next room so it wasn't that scary. The tarot guy told me I'm bubbly, charming and effervescent but that's all on the surface. He said I'm really practical and grounded but people often underestimate me a great deal but I'm okay with that because I don't show my achievments. The best part was, he told me that I'm an iron fist in a velvet glove- I look soft and sweet, but if I want something, it's MINE. I will get it. He told me that I need a guys total attention, and I need to be the center of everything (which I thought was a little harsh!!) The first question I asked was "Am I getting into medical school?" And I pulled a card which means good fortune in the future, and auspiciousness which was good, but then I pulled a 'fear' card, so I have severe fear rearding it. The last card, which I kept pulling the entire time, meant whatever happens will be for the best.

In terms of Zach I pulled a card that he said he didn't have words for- the high priestess (I guess I'm used to being worshipped). He said that we have such meshable energies and we are so powerful together that it was nothing more than fate that had brought us together and we have a very powerful relationship :). I drew a card for Dennis and it turned out to mean that he's a very good guy, but my competitive nature won't let him go and I have to do that. (I coulda told him that!) Zach and I may break up in the future which sucks.. apparently there'll be a power shift. But I'm goin to have the most difficult year yet (MCATs woot) but I'm goin to pull through really powerfully because this is the most auspicious year yet. I got really teary during the reading because I felt like he knew so much about me without ever really talking to me. My aura is NOT yellow, as I always thought it was, it's purple, blue and greenish. It means that I'm 'open to new information', 'extremely spiritual and intuitive', 'compassionate' and gentle.. that was the jist. Also I'm confused about something and something's on my shoulders, but now that I found out I'm getting into med school that weight ought to be lifted.

My time is running out so I have to go. Today we shopped more and I spent way too much money for the first time on this trip. I have so many new clothes and bags. But it's really the first time I've bought clothes so it shouldn't be too bad. I'm going surfing (Uh-oh) well, havin surfing lessons with everyone in a couple of hours. Tonight it's off to Sydney, and then on Friday, it's off to Fiji. And then the dream ends.

OH MY GOD.

The bus ride to Airlie beach wasn't that bad. It was twelve hours, but once we got there I was really grateful that it was only a two person room. No matter how much I love the fanny pack, it was just time for me to be alone, and by that I mean with Del. I get very anxious with all the moving around that we do. I hate packing up and relocating every two days and it just makes me anxious and with all the PTSD I've been dealin with I couldn' take it, so I just crawled to my top bunk and cried. What I liked was that rather than ten people having to deal with it, Delceta just crawled up to my bed and asked if I was ok. I said "Yeah, it's just the constant changes," truthfully enough and she unerstood.

Soon afterwards, we left to go to this opal store. The people that own it are amazing!! They love ISV because we come and pay to work in their country so they give us enormous discounts- like 500 dollar didgeridoos for 200. Um, not that I could afford that anyway. Aboriginal art, though, runs for about 60 bucks and ever since the aboriginal guy that I almost flirted with (Sorry babe) told me that in aboriginal symbols I would be a platypus (it means unusual and one of a kind) I wanted a painting of a platypus. When the people heard that, THEY GAVE ME A PAINTING FOR 30. It's getting framed- and they just 'threw in' a beautiful white opal.

I went home early because I wasn't in the mood to stay out at a bar not drinking. I limboed low though and won my friends a free drink. Well, one drink, which I gave to one friend. Then I walked home slowly with Del and this girl Athena. I was SO FREAKIN EXCITED for the next day. We were ocean rafting to whitehaven beach, which has the whitest sand in the world.

Ocean rafting was freezing because you're in an open boat that's ZOOMING along the water. We stopped by at an aboriginal cave on an island, but oh my god Whitehaven beach. The sand is almost pue silicone, so that basically meant that not only was it beautiful and white, but when I stepped off the boat I felt like I was walking on clay. I washed my hair with it. Yes, I scraped white sand through my hair and dunked my head ino crystal clear water to wash it off. I even brushed my teeth with it, and every single one of us did the same. We exfoliated the hell out of each other and our skin has never been SO silky smooth. Not to mention it was so relaxing to lay on that incredible sand on that blue, blue water.

After we left, we went snorkeling again on the Great Barrier Reef. I made up for lost time :) so far south of where we originally snorkelled. It was INCREDIBLE. It's like a whole different world down there. Just two feet down and you're in a quiet world full of coral. At one point, I thought I saw a really long piece of garbage so I dove down to get it. Thank God I didn't touch it because it was A HUGE STINGRAY. The stinger must have been taller than me, and the body was hiding underneath coral with only its eyes showing. I saw a smaller stingray also buried under the sand. I chased so many fish around, brightly colored and they hid in coral peeking out at me. I cut my foot on some coral. It's very shallow but it's annoying because my flip flops constantly rub against it. I saw a freaking shark and I TOUCHED it while tryin to take a picture. WHILE MY FOOT WAS BLEEDING. OH MY GOD.

On the way back from that, our ocean raft saw the other ocean raft and they had a war where we swung vertical and did all these loopy tricks. IT WAS SCARY AS HELL. After that, we ate and jumped on an overnight bus ride to Fraser Island ferry, where there was no doctor, pharmacy, phone or internet. I felt like I was going to be in a certain Leo DiCaprio movie. The bus ride was uncomfortable and I didn't really sleep at all.

Fraser Island, oh my god. THE WHOLE THING was a beach. Just one giant beach. Our hotel room was a two minute walk from the beach. We went swimming when we got there (which was nice and refreshing after that killer bus ride) and it was a lake filled with pure rainwater and even whiter sand. We also swam later on that day in an emerald green lake. That night, the bar was five steps from our room. However, I WAS EXHAUSTED and I don' really drink anyway. I was playing Never have I Ever with Coke with everyone (they had alcohol) and apparently I passed out right in the middle of a round and did not wake up all night, no matter how loud they got.

Awesome. The next day, we went on a tour of the island. I took an additional plane ride around the island and from above we saw dolphins and whales, along with the entirety of Fraser Island. I walked through Eli Creek and we stopped in the cliffs of colored sand. Technically, though I collect it, you're not supposed to take sand from any of these places. I was told we wouldn't even be allowed to stop at the colored sand place so I didn't bring a bottle, because I always manage to sneak sand anyway. BUT WE DID SO I GRABBED A ROCK OF SAND. When we got back, I ground it into sand with a knife on a plate.

We also saw the Maheno shipwreck and stopped at the Champagne pools, which was what I've wanted to see since the beginning. It's basically volcanic rock that's right off the ocean, so you can swim in it while the ocean crashes RIGHT behind you. It's beautiful, and peaceful, and incredible. You can't swim in the ocean here because of sharks and crocodiles, so it was nice to sort of swim in it.

That night, the bar threw a party for us where we had to make outfits out of garbage bags. IT WAS SO MUCH FUN. We all ended up looking really good and I have pictures. The fanny pack (six of us at least) did kareoke to Livin La Vida Loca. Del said I looked like a psycho rock star, and when Zach finally called me when I returned to civilization this morning he said that is how I always look. WE HAD SO MUCH FUN THOUGH.

I am now in Byron Bay and this laptop is hard to type on, so I will type more tomorrow. Seriously, though?

I pretty much couldn't be any happier. And for good measure, here's a picture.

the one with like five pictures. :)( Read more... )

Today I woke up and I couldn't talk to Zach when he called because the connection sucked and I was really sad because I had been waiting to talk to him ever since the sad time yesterday. I was so disappointed, but everyone was really supportive even though I haven't cried. At any rate, today I went horseback riding in the mountains through a rainforest in the Australian outback. We didn't canter :( but we trotted down and up hills (which was intense). We FINALLY SAW A WALLABY!!! It was relaxing and beautiful and I formed a really strong connection with my horse, so it was exactly what I needed. We went through small, clear streams and up hills and wove through trees for about three hours and it was just incredible. My horse had issues with the horse in front of it, though. The instructor kept warning me to pull him in and leave space, but at one point the horse in front of me turned around and bit my horse, and my horse REARED up, with me clinging for dear life, spun around in a 360 and started attempting to run away. I reined him in, but it was intense!! I could have punched that horse for hurting my poor dear horse. At the farm, which was CALLED BLAZING SADDLES OH MY GOD (that made me so happy i can't even tell you) we saw a sheep and her baby lamb, lots of goats and chickens, a dog, and TWO PEACOCKS. The peacock strutted his stuff for the female and let me tell you if I was that female I would have mated with him, but she just ignored him.

I love horseback riding.. I think I'll do it more when I get home; just rent a horse in Central Park and go. It's only 40 bucks there, whereas it was 112 here. Ridiculous. Tomorrow we're waking up at 5 to go white water rafting. I'm nervous!!! AND I smell like horse and AUSSIE BUSH. It's time for a shower.

today we went to the great barrier reef. snorkeling was free, but it was so easy.. you just lay on your face in the water and breathe through a piece. its just swimming. for an extra 80 bucks you could enhance your experience and go scuba diving, even if you had never been before as an introducotry dive. i was thinking about it, and i decided to go for it and just DO it cause im probably only going to be at the reef once in my life and i should do it and so many people (even zach) told me that scuba diving is the best thing you could ever do and its so easy and its no problem as long as you remember to breathe. delceta agreed to do it with me too.

only, the day before we went, i started getting really nervous and freaking out about things that didnt make any sense, like money and phone cards and candy. i had to really sit there and figure out what was really bothering me, and i realized that
1) it was swimming with freaking sharks.
2) i lost my dad to the water and i was putting myself out there to lose myself the same way too, even though thats unrealistic because it would be with a professional.

once i realized that though it only made me want to go more so i could truly conquer my fears. i wanted to DO it, i wanted to emerge from 30 feet deep and be like i DID it and im over it and i feel healed. but we got that intro dive lesson and it didnt really comfort me. all i kept thinking was 'people spend a week learning this and im getting it in five minutes?' but everyone with me was an intro diver too and i was really, really determined.

they didnt have a face mask that fit me, really- thats when i started having doubts. then, when they strapped the scuba tank on me i almost fell over. that was the second thing. then wehn i got into the water, delceta immediately said 'i cant do this im sorry ruchi' and left. then i started wanting to leave.

i went down the first time just five feet and it was so uncomfortable breathing with the mouth piece. i could breathe, but i wasnt okay with it, i wasnt used to it, and i felt so unsafe and all i could think was 'oh my god, this is how my dad felt, only worse. this is what he went through when he was dying, and i was right on the other side of the pool.' by this time, my desire to do this was pretty much nill, but my determination was even more. i went down another five feet and the pressure in my ears was killing me and since the face mask was too bi g(which t urned out to be a blessing in disguise) i couldnt pinch my nose and neutralize the pressure, so i had to go back up. it was okay though... every one of the other four people in my group backed out too. some people made it through as intro divers (more than i thought would, in fact) but.. i wasnt one of them. i backed out. i chickened out and i couldnt do it and i felt like shit.

out of everything, achieving that, especially when i understood why i was afraid of it meant so much to me and i couldnt do it.

I realized afterwards that it was Fathers Day for us in Australia. For me it has now been 13 years since he died and I guess on some level that's why I chose to do this today. But I didn't do this today. I couldn't achieve it, and all I wanted to do was cry and cry but I put on a happy face and I went to the beach and I went on a party bus and I even went snorkelling and I had a fucking amazing day.

I went snorkelling and I saw a reef shark (so I DID swim with a reef shark) (and I survived and I was fine) and I waved to a fish and it bit me and the most beautiful electric colored fish (a whole school of them) swam around me. I saw so much coral, and I even went down in a submarine and saw 3 sea turtles. So many surgeon fish and even one fish that looked like it wore eyeliner. It was incredible, even though I didn't become a denizen of the deep. But I have never, ever been so disappointed in myself.

Then we went on the party bus which I thought would suck because I don't really drink and the bus took us to five different bars around town with discounted drinks, but I stuck with my friends and I danced and made a complete fool of myself, especially when they played The Proclaimers and All the Small Things. The fifth bar sucked because everyone (except my friends) was completely drunk in a shoulder-to-shoulder environment. People were spilling drinks, cursing and taking clothes off. I actually danced on a freaking table. I DANCED. ON A FREAKING TABLE.

Then one of my closest friends here needed to talk, just when I had scheduled in the cry that I desparately needed into my night, and I was out trying to talk to her for THREE hours. And it's one of those talks that goes around in circles because I can't achieve anything and I can't achieve anything because I need to cry and so to keep myself occupied I made mental comparisons on my emotional reactions to tofu and chocolate while for all intents and purposes keeping up this conversation.

I just... the Great Barrier Reef was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. Period. In my entire life. It was absolutely incredible and I'm in love. But I'm also very disappointed in myself. And I wish Dr. Palmer was here.

And I wish my dad hadn't died the way he did. But he did. Thirteen years ago today.

And when I put myself through even a few minutes of what he went through, I came right back up. Because I couldn't handle it. And he had to. He was forced to. Until the bitter end.